Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Doing Better These Days

I just thought I would update on how things are going around here. I am feeling much better. Through this whole miscarriage I have not had any pains. Which I have heard there is a lot of pain. But I prayed to the Lord if He was going to put me through this, I better not be in horrible pain! LOL Well I believe He answered my prayers!
I went this past Monday for more blood work, I figured they would call me back telling me my HCG is depleted and I was good to go.Well, they called me Tuesday telling me my number only dropped one point since last week. So they wanted me to come in asap to get another ultrasound and more blood work. Let me tell you this I am OVER all this blood work! I know it  has to be done... but really I am there every 2 to 3 days!  They did the ultrasound to make sure I wasn't having a tubular pregnancy. Thank goodness I wasn't. I have what is called a Chemical Pregnancy. This is where I have miscarried within the first 5 to 6 weeks, before implantation. My body still thinks it is pregnant but there is no way that I am since my level is so low (320).  This might be a little too much info, but hey... it's life. My miscarriage happened in the tube, so blood and fiber stuff dropped into my uterus. Thus my body thinks that is a baby so my uterus has thicken like normal pregnancy. My uterus is too thick to allow the rest of everything to pass.  So now I have to keep getting my HCG checked and if it doesn't go down  I will have to get a shot. The shot will allow my body to let everything clean out like it should.So this is all a bit of a roller coaster, but it will all work out. I just was hoping I would go in that Monday and be done with all of this.

On a brighter note... Deric's parents, niece and nephew for a long weekend. I will post about their visit later this week. It was nice to have my mother in law, Linda, here when I had to go back to the doctor.  She went with me to the doctor Tuesday morning before they left. She is so sweet and comforting to me while she was here. I am thankful we have a great relationship.  Deric was going to meet us at the doctors but they got me in so fast I told him to just stay at work. He will have plenty of his share of doctors appointments in the future.I want the appointments that Deric goes to, to be happy and wonderful. Not all these scary and weird ones! We will have our happy and exciting doctor appointments soon!  I can't wait to be blogging about those soon!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Dare to Believe

I have been listening to a lot more Praise and Worship music in my car in the past  few months. I have to tell you that is all I  have been listening to now and loving every minute.It just gives you a different look on the day. I think when you start it out with worshiping the Lord your day is brighter! I can honestly say I have felt closer to our God these past 6 months than I have in a long time.
This past week has been better for me. I am feeling better and trusting more in God to keep giving me the strength that I need. I have been back to work and belly dance this week. While I was out and about this week. I have noticed that the SAME song keeps coming on the radio. I knew enough of the song to sing along to it so I would. I heard it twice yesterday.... on my way to the salon and on my way to belly dance. After hearing it 6 or so times in the car I realized I never listened to the song. So on my way to belly dance I didn't sing along with the song I listened. The song hit my like a cement block in the back of my head! It  was exactly what I needed my heart to hear. After the song was over I just felt this calmness in my whole body. Like a heavy weight lifted from me. I know very well that was the work of our amazing Lord.
He keep playing that song to me and I never listened. We all know we have a persistent God and He will get the message to us somewhere... somehow.  He opened my eyes and my heart to something that has helped me to heal and I think that is just amazing. I am in such awe of His work. If you will just sit back and listen to Him, He will speak to you.

Here is the clip of the song by Josh Wilson.... Before the Morning.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Never in Million Years

This post is going to be hardest yet I think. I have to talk about it even though I am sure I am going to cry my eyes out while I type. As we sit back and dream about our lives as young adults I always dreamed of having a great career that I loved, marring the man of my dreams, owning a home, and starting a family. I have achieved three of the four. I am pretty lucky girl! I have been doing what I love for the past 6 years been married and a homeowner for the past 3 1\2 years. We have been trying to start a family for a while now. When I was about to throw in the towel, give up, and began telling God when I was ready to have a baby. I soon realized that is one thing that is NOT up to me. A baby is a GIFT from God and only He can tell you when you are ready.  So I left it all up to the Lord. Easier said than done.
           p.s. I still told Him everyday it was about time and to get the show on the road!

A couple of weeks ago (March 1st) I was totally surprised to find out that we were finally pregnant. After months and months of taking pregnancy tests to find out they were all "broke", one actually wasn't!So I took two more to be sure! I was thrilled I called my parents first to tell them the good news. Deric had already gone to work when I took the test but it was killing me not to call him at work to tell him the good news. But I know my husband. If I would have called him at work to tell him I was pregnant he would turn white as a ghost and be thinking all day about how is life is going to change in front of his pretty blue eyes. He wouldn't be able to focus at work. So I waited all day. I had a cake to drop off for a friends birthday before I went to work so I stopped by Target also. I wanted to tell Deric the news in a special way. I bought a little neutral outfit and a bib that says "I love Daddy". I placed it all in a box with my pregnancy test. It was perfect.... it was how I always thought I would tell him. I went about my day so happy and could hardly stand myself. As soon as Deric got home I had him open the box, He was on the phone with his mom but I didn't care. I was about to scream it out loud if he didn't open the gift. Deric was shocked but I could tell by the look in his eyes he was happy. So that made me even more thrilled.
Our happiness lasted 2 weeks and I was trying not to tell many people because the "what ifs" that comes with an early pregnancy. My excitement turned to worrisome by last Wednesday when I noticed I had began spotting. I told myself no big deal it happens all the time for other women. So I went about my day and the spotting didn't go away. It was still there on Friday and because I had a little girls trip planned I decided to call my doctor to see what she said. She wanted to see my that day because the weekend was coming up. They did an ultrasound and blood work. The ultrasound came up empty.... really empty. There was no sign of  a fetus attached to my uterus nor was there anything in my fallopian tubes. So we had to wait to hear back from the blood work. My doctor had told me to go ahead on my trip and not to worry because they wouldn't get my test results back until Saturday. I was home an hour and they called me. My pregnancy hormone was only 348. If I was 6 weeks pregnant, according to my last cycle I was, the number should have been in the 1000s.
 My was heart broken my knees gave out and I hit the floor. It felt like someone was smashing my little heart into pieces. I sat on the floor until my good friend, neighbor and AR mom came running from across the street to me. Marcia had gone with me to my appointment earlier. I tried to breathe and stopped crying enough to let her know what was going on while I was dialing my mom to tell her. I gave mom the news and told her all the things the nurse told me. They had put me on complete bed rest and some r.x. hormones to get my levels to rise. I spent the whole weekend laying on the couch with my feet up. Deric took great care of me and was so sweet the whole weekend. I had to go in Monday at 8am (today) for more blood work. They called me at 11 for the results. My levels had dropped even more so my body was in fact miscarrying. I tried to stay strong and listen to everything the nurse was telling me when I just wanted to drop the phone and scream.  So today was not the best day in my life......... nor will the next few days be.
Any quite time I had I would just pray to God that He would either "fix" this baby or give me the strength to get through a loss. He know how much I wanted to be a mommy and I still long for it. One day when the time is right I will have my "perfect" baby growing inside of me. I  hoping this day is right around the corner. "Do you hear that God??!!! "
 If anything has taught me to grow closer to the Lord this is it. Not just the miscarriage the trying, failing, getting pregnant and losing it. Just teaches me more how I need to just leave it up to the Father and He will provide, even when you get the worse news there is a reason. I know it was nothing I did or didn't do. I firmly believe that this baby was not perfect enough for us and God took care of it. He knows what we can handle and would never gives us a challenge we couldn't get through.
I am so thankful to God for giving me the honor to marrying my best friend. He has been great through out this whole journey.  Deric you are such a special gift to me and you will never know how much I truly love you. Thank you for being supportive and letting me cry myself to sleep when it is needed. I LOVE YOU

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,And with my song I will praise Him.
Psalm 28:7