Monday, March 15, 2010

Never in Million Years

This post is going to be hardest yet I think. I have to talk about it even though I am sure I am going to cry my eyes out while I type. As we sit back and dream about our lives as young adults I always dreamed of having a great career that I loved, marring the man of my dreams, owning a home, and starting a family. I have achieved three of the four. I am pretty lucky girl! I have been doing what I love for the past 6 years been married and a homeowner for the past 3 1\2 years. We have been trying to start a family for a while now. When I was about to throw in the towel, give up, and began telling God when I was ready to have a baby. I soon realized that is one thing that is NOT up to me. A baby is a GIFT from God and only He can tell you when you are ready.  So I left it all up to the Lord. Easier said than done.
           p.s. I still told Him everyday it was about time and to get the show on the road!

A couple of weeks ago (March 1st) I was totally surprised to find out that we were finally pregnant. After months and months of taking pregnancy tests to find out they were all "broke", one actually wasn't!So I took two more to be sure! I was thrilled I called my parents first to tell them the good news. Deric had already gone to work when I took the test but it was killing me not to call him at work to tell him the good news. But I know my husband. If I would have called him at work to tell him I was pregnant he would turn white as a ghost and be thinking all day about how is life is going to change in front of his pretty blue eyes. He wouldn't be able to focus at work. So I waited all day. I had a cake to drop off for a friends birthday before I went to work so I stopped by Target also. I wanted to tell Deric the news in a special way. I bought a little neutral outfit and a bib that says "I love Daddy". I placed it all in a box with my pregnancy test. It was perfect.... it was how I always thought I would tell him. I went about my day so happy and could hardly stand myself. As soon as Deric got home I had him open the box, He was on the phone with his mom but I didn't care. I was about to scream it out loud if he didn't open the gift. Deric was shocked but I could tell by the look in his eyes he was happy. So that made me even more thrilled.
Our happiness lasted 2 weeks and I was trying not to tell many people because the "what ifs" that comes with an early pregnancy. My excitement turned to worrisome by last Wednesday when I noticed I had began spotting. I told myself no big deal it happens all the time for other women. So I went about my day and the spotting didn't go away. It was still there on Friday and because I had a little girls trip planned I decided to call my doctor to see what she said. She wanted to see my that day because the weekend was coming up. They did an ultrasound and blood work. The ultrasound came up empty.... really empty. There was no sign of  a fetus attached to my uterus nor was there anything in my fallopian tubes. So we had to wait to hear back from the blood work. My doctor had told me to go ahead on my trip and not to worry because they wouldn't get my test results back until Saturday. I was home an hour and they called me. My pregnancy hormone was only 348. If I was 6 weeks pregnant, according to my last cycle I was, the number should have been in the 1000s.
 My was heart broken my knees gave out and I hit the floor. It felt like someone was smashing my little heart into pieces. I sat on the floor until my good friend, neighbor and AR mom came running from across the street to me. Marcia had gone with me to my appointment earlier. I tried to breathe and stopped crying enough to let her know what was going on while I was dialing my mom to tell her. I gave mom the news and told her all the things the nurse told me. They had put me on complete bed rest and some r.x. hormones to get my levels to rise. I spent the whole weekend laying on the couch with my feet up. Deric took great care of me and was so sweet the whole weekend. I had to go in Monday at 8am (today) for more blood work. They called me at 11 for the results. My levels had dropped even more so my body was in fact miscarrying. I tried to stay strong and listen to everything the nurse was telling me when I just wanted to drop the phone and scream.  So today was not the best day in my life......... nor will the next few days be.
Any quite time I had I would just pray to God that He would either "fix" this baby or give me the strength to get through a loss. He know how much I wanted to be a mommy and I still long for it. One day when the time is right I will have my "perfect" baby growing inside of me. I  hoping this day is right around the corner. "Do you hear that God??!!! "
 If anything has taught me to grow closer to the Lord this is it. Not just the miscarriage the trying, failing, getting pregnant and losing it. Just teaches me more how I need to just leave it up to the Father and He will provide, even when you get the worse news there is a reason. I know it was nothing I did or didn't do. I firmly believe that this baby was not perfect enough for us and God took care of it. He knows what we can handle and would never gives us a challenge we couldn't get through.
I am so thankful to God for giving me the honor to marrying my best friend. He has been great through out this whole journey.  Deric you are such a special gift to me and you will never know how much I truly love you. Thank you for being supportive and letting me cry myself to sleep when it is needed. I LOVE YOU

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,And with my song I will praise Him.
Psalm 28:7


  1. Oh...I had no idea. So sorry...I'll be praying for you! God's timing is always perfect, but not always easy for us to understand. If you need anything at all please let me know.

  2. I'm so sorry to hear this!! I can't imagine how hard that would be. :( I'm thinking of you guys and praying that you get your perfect baby soon.

  3. Oh MJ! I am so sorry for all your pain and I am praying for you! I know God won't let you down and He will take care of you all! Its hard to understand God's reasons for things and sometimes we never fully do, but just keep up the faith and the prayers and He will bless you! I love you girl and if you ever I mean ever want to call and talk please do!!!!!